Pope Benedict Declares Derrek Lee "King of Kings"

VATICAN CITY--Move over Jesus, there's some competition for the Pope's affection. After Derrek Lee's 2-HR, 6-RBI explosion in the Cubs lineup Wednesday, the normally slow-starting Cub first baseman is hitting .430 with 7 HR and 27 RBI in the month of April. The outburst of offense caused Pope Benedict XV to declare Lee the new "King of Kings."


Lee expressed excitement to be declared the new Messiah.

The new King, determined to live up to His new title, declared seven of the other eight starters in Wednesday's game, "My seven little apostles." He dubbed Jose Macias, "One of the lepers." Corey Patterson, who hit the game-winning home run in the bottom of the ninth inning of Wednesday's 8-7 victory over the Cincinnatti Reds, was declared, "Corey the Baptist." When asked about Nomar Garciaparra, Lee simply called him, "Lazarus."

Da Da. Da. Da. Another One Bites the Dust(y)

Oh, Chad Fox. You old man. You should have known better than to sign with the Cubs. You should have known that Dusty Baker would misuse you into baseball oblivion. You should have just nursed your frail arm and ridden off into the distance. What was it, Chad? Glory? Money? Fame? What made you want to come back? Dusty rode you like an old mule, pitching you in back-to-back-to-back games, and then in back-to-back games to finally destroy you. You are the Kleenex of this team, Chad, and you brought it upon yourself by not refusing to warm up when Larry Rothschild called the bullpen last night. Would it have killed you to say, "But, Larry, it's not a save situation?" Oh, Chad. May your elbow rest in pieces.

Chris Ber-Man Can You Shut the Hell Up?

I had the deepest misfortune of listening to Chris Berman slaughter the game of baseball last night during the Red Sox-Yankee game. How in God's name does this man still have a job? Schtick has its place. If you were an early 1900's Vaudeville comdian, for example, you should definitely have a schtick. When you are a "professional" broadcaster, on the other hand, the only schtick you should have should be a microphone. And you shouldn't use it to molest the game of baseball with hyperbole and idiotic comments. I'm looking at you, Joe Morgan.

Berman, all you Berman-lovers, is a bloated idiot who, if he insists on annoying me with his ESPN broacasts, should at least have the common courtesy to stick to football. He doesn't know the least bit about the game of baseball. His comments are limited to such generic idiocies as, "How can you not like this kid?" And, "Is there a better guy in all of baseball than this guy?" And next time you watch a Berman broadcast (tune in to the ESPN game tonight), listen to his home run call. He only starts his "Backbackbackbackback!" idiocy when the ball has already bounced twice over the outfield fence. Are you that much of an idiot, Chris, that you don't know when a no-doubt home run is gone? A baseball broadcast should be about baseball. I absolutely despise when broadcasters need to make the game more about themselves than about the game of baseball. ESPN, please get a clue and cut this guy loose. The "name" thing wasn't funny when he started it, and it's insanely old now.

Hairston Joins Legions of Fans in Realizing Dusty an Idiot

Some simple math, if you will indulge me.

Based on the offseason trade:

Jerry Hairston, Jr. = Sammy Sosa (approximately)

Based on Johnny B. Baker's "reasoning" in starting Neifi Perez over Hairston:

Neifi Perez > Jerry Hairston Jr.

If A = B, and C > A, does it not follow that C > B? Thus, I present you with this conclusion:

Neifi Perez > Sammy Sosa

Sure, Sosa may be the only player in Major League history to hit over 60 home runs in three separate seasons. Sure, Sosa's 2001 season was one of the best offensive seasons ever compiled by a Major League player. But Neifi Perez wears his pants high! The only, and I mean only explanation I can possibly fathom for starting Perez over Hairston in the absence of ordinary second baseman Todd Walker is Johnny B.'s "brothers are better at playing in the sun" philosophy.

It seems Hairston:


Is slightly less dark than Perez:


I present to you, Dusty's logic:

Sun = hot
Hairston's darkness > Perez's darkness

Erego:

Perez = Starting second baseman

Never mind the fact that Hairston has actually played more games at second than has Perez. Never mind the fact that Hairston is far superior with a bat. It's no wonder that Hairston popped off in the media today about his diappointment in Johnny B.'s "decision making." I'd be upset, too, if I were a tanning bed away from being the starting second baseman.

Opening Day with the Cubs

Chicago Cubs baseball is on the air!

The season is off to a bang with some pop chick singing “Make it happen! It’s always a brand new day!” I don’t know who she is or what she’s doing on WGN, but she is singing over a montage of 2004 “highlights” of the Cubs season. You know. Like Todd Hollandsworth bashing his head into the right field wall of Turner Field to make a catch. From what I could tell, The Gladiator was missing from all of the “highlights.” Also missing were Latroy Hawkins’ eleventy bazillion blown saves.

Well, here is the annoying voice of Len Kasper and the Fu Man Chu of Bob Brenly. And HOLY CRAP! The Cubs signed Aramis for four years! Thanks a lot, Comcast, for the internet being down. It would have been nice to see that going into the game. Now Kasper and Brenly are going to pretend that the Diamondbacks are good now, after they lost 111 games last year. What a waste of time.

I’ll tell you what. It’s weird to not hear Chip’s voice doing broadcasts. Like him or hate him (usually hate), he had become a familiar voice at least. Wouldn’t you think WGN’s logo would have either a “W” a “G” or an “N”? Nope. Just an “S.”

Apparently, the Diamondbacks are going to be “leaning heavily” on Javier Vasquez to anchor the rotation. Apparently Shawn F. Estes isn’t a top-of-the-rotation guy, despite his OPENING DAY START last year. Ah, drop dead, Shawn. Those Geico caveman commercials are pretty funny. I’m sure they’ll get annoying the 19^th time I see them during this game.

Top of the 1^st

Some greaseballs watch in Cubs jerseys as the D-Backs take the field. Ah, Patterson leading off. Dusty is still a raging moron. It’d be nice to get the first hit out of the way in the first inning. The way this offense is structured, it may also be the last hit.

Sounds like the fans can barely contain their excitement. You could hear a freaking pin drop in Bank One. Or Chase Bank. Or whatever the hell it’s called today. Oh, good Tim Tschida is umping first base. I hope Latroy gets a chance to punch him in the face.

Patterson took a pitch! Considering he didn’t walk at all during spring training, that’s a good thing. And he smacks a 1-1 pitch into center for the first Cub hit of the season! Holy crap! And he’s running right away! It looked like he got a good jump. Walker should have noticed that and not swung at the first offering. Oh, well. He got to 2^nd on a past ball a couple pitches later. Then he threw a heaping handful of seeds into his mouth. Don’t worry. You probably won’t need that saliva later, Corey.

Walker BLASTS one to center, but Jose Cruz Jr. got it, allowing Corey to tag up. I thought he had a double. Corey proves that you can run and spit seeds at the same time. And Nose-Mar drives Corey in on a grounder for the first run of the season. Holy freakin’ small ball!

Aramis Ramirez is a fricking stud, by the way. Not only in real life, but in my MVP Baseball 2005 Owner Mode. He almost drags Royce Clayton, star of Disney’s The Rookie, into center field with a base hit. Zambrano is already exhausting his first piece of gum.

Here comes Burnitz. He follows Dawson and Sosa in a bid to be the next Cub right fielding legend. Good luck, Popeye. Holy crap! Even Burnitz has a hit! Did Mel Stottlemeyer destroy Javier Vasquez, too? Thanks, Mel. As an aside, can you imagine the difference if Randy Johnson were starting this game? Thank God that bastard is out of the NL. He could pitch until he was 80 if he only started against the Cubs.

Zambrano is not going to like this strike zone. I promise you that.

The Cub hitters are tattooing Vasquez. Lee singles in Aramis with two outs. The three two-out hits in the first match the entire two-out hit total of the 2004 version of the Chicago Cubs. Somewhere, The Gladiator and Moisty Alou are crying.

Hollandsworth has the exact same batting stance as Burnitz, doesn’t he? I edited him in MVP Baseball to have the same stance, at least. Holla chases a high strike, but that’s okay because I still love to yell, “Holla!” Good first inning for the Cubs, as they lead 2-0.

Bottom of the 1^st

I sort of like Kasper so far. He shuts up every once in a while, which is a quality that eluded Chip Caray. Also, Kasper’s eyebrows don’t terrify me.

Craig Counsell, while a fellow Notre Dame grad, is an embarrassment. For God’s sake, man, your stance is ridiculous. Zambrano comes back from being down 3-0 to get Counsell to fly out to Burnitz.

I’m going to take a calmer approach to the 2005 Cubs season. I almost gave myself a nervous tick last year. Of course, if Zambrano keeps working every single hitter to a 3-2 count, I’m not going to enjoy this. Clayton blows, Z. Get him. And he does. Sweet.

Luis Gonzalez is up, and he couldn’t have a more appropriate nickname than “Gonzo,” because he looks like a Muppet. Z almost beans him in the nads. Ali is there. He’s either keeping score or passing out, God bless him. Z whiffs Gonzo, and the Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” cries out briefly, and is suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened to Mick Jagger. Cubs still up 2-0.

I thought I would be able to avoid the Fever Pitch ads this game. Is there a worse person on earth than Jimmy Fallon? Seriously. My kingdom for a license to kill. I hope the Pope badmouths Jimmy Fallon to God.

Top of the 2^nd

Michael Barrett, my favorite non-pitcher Cub, steps to the plate. Jim Hendry’s kid apparently told Hendry to sign Aramis. I wonder if his dog told him to sign Neifi and Macias. Barrett pops out in foul ground.

Z hits a frickin’ double down the line. I want this kid to win the Cy Young this year. I love Kerry Wood, and I love Mark Prior, but I want Z to win the thing this year. Man, he’s good.

Corey is 2-2, driving in Z to make it 3-0 Cubs. If I were Mike Bradt ver. 2004, I would be peeing in my pants with glee. This Mike Bradt is a calmer, gentler, less-stressed Mike Bradt.

Walker pulls one through the right side of the infield for the 70^th Cub hit of the season. This is starting to look like my MVP Baseball season. Except I traded Jose Macias for Ryan Freel and Neifi Perez for Bobby Hill. Straight up. Make it happen, Jim.

Now Nose-Mar drives in Corey for the 8^th hit and the 4^th run. Corey has some wheels, doesn’t he? Holla and Barrett need hits to get in on this sweet, sweet action. I hope my “Top of the . . .” sections stay a lot longer than my “Bottom of the . . . “ sections.

Aramis hits a ball that hasn’t landed yet to make it 6-0 Cubs. Great baserunning by Nose-Mar to score from first. A-Ram ends up on second. By the way, that was an 0-2 count to Aramis.

After a Burnitz whiff (it’s okay, because it was a high pitch), Derek Lee doubles to bring home Aramis to make it 7-0. Save some of this, fellas. They already have 10 hits.

Matt Williams is there with his hot wife as the Cubs already get into the vaunted D-Backs’ bullpen only 1 2/3 of an inning into the game. I guess Javier Vasquez can’t handle the pressure cooker that is Arizona, either.

Some stupid old man fell onto the field trying to catch a Holla foul ball. I’ll call him Bartman Sr. Sorry to invoke his name. Holla grounds out, keeping it 7-0 Cubs. It looks like the official Commercial of the Game will be a Robocop ad. Fantastic.

Bottom of the 2^nd

The D-Backs needed to bring out Ryno for the ceremonial first 4-3 put-out. I guess all the D-Back legends were unavailable.

Z whiffs Glaus to start the inning. I’m warming quickly to this broadcast team. They’re generic, but that’s okay. Shawn Green tries to step into a Z slider. Not a good idea, fool. I see the White Sox actually won a pitchers’ duel. Don’t get used to it, morons. Z also whiffs Green for his 3^rd straight K.

I don’t like the fact that Z has had 3, 3-2 counts already. It finally cost him, as Jose Cruz, Jr. hits a solo shot to make it 7-1 Cubs. He hit a pretty good pitch to take it out. That’s fine. Brenly just said you’d rather have a solo shot than a walk in that situation. Odd.

What the hell? A bird just came plummeting to the field, and the ump for some reason gave it to Ryan Dempster, who coddled it like a babe in swaddling clothing. Looks like Ryan’s dining well tonight! Chad Tracy, inspired by the bird, singles. Z needs to settle himself. Z whiffs Koyie Hill to end the inning, but ran him to a 3-2 count. I wonder how many pitches he has. Dusty wonders how many more he has before he gets to 300. Cubs lead 7-1.

Unrelated note: For a good, reasonably-priced beer, go with Labatt Blue. Those Canucks know what they’re doing.

Top of the 3^rd

Barrett creams one, but he’s out. Kasper answers my question: Z has 46 pitches through 2 innings. Surprisingly, neither Kasper nor Brenly has made a “Who’s picking up the check?” joke. That’s a good thing. Z whiffs. I love watching him swing. If Happy Gilmore had a baseball swing, it would be Z’s.

Corey is up for the 3^rd time already, but he’s begun chasing high pitches, too. Nerts. He swings at three straight out of the zone, and the old Corey briefly rears his ugly head. No big deal yet, as the Cubs still lead 7-1.

Bottom of the 3^rd

Z needs a quick, 10-pitch inning. Quinton McCracken, whose parents would be far cooler if they had named him “Phil” is up, and he singles.

Z could use a double play, but he runs the count 3-0 to Counsell, finally losing him. Z falls behind to Clayton, too. Ah, sweet frustration. There you are. Rothschild comes out to say hello to Z, who pretends he understands English. Z gets the double play he needed out of Clayton, as McCracken moves to 3^rd. I’ll tell you what, Nose-Mar made a heck of a play on that double play. He basically had to catch the ball over his shoulder, turn, and fire to first to get the relatively speedy Clayton.

Gonzo bunts his way on and scores McCracken to make it 7-2 Cubs. Smart move. I don’t like how Z decided to just throw the ball away for no reason, but Gonzo didn’t see it and stays at first. Z quickly gets Glaus on a check swing to end the inning, anyhow. Cubs up 7-2.

Top of the 4^th

The third D-Back pitcher makes his appearance, a lefty by the name of Gosling. He’s greeted by a bloop single from Walker. Then Nose-Mar bloops one. Great baserunning by Walker to get to 3^rd on the hit. That’s 12 Cub hits. I smell a 3-run homer with A-Ram at the plate. Especially now that he has a 2-0 count on him. Instead he ground into a double play, but at least he brings home the run, making it 8-2 Cubs. A-Ram swings so hard. I also believe I heard him use the “fudge” word on his way back to the dugout.

Burnitz drives one the opposite way for another Cub hit. There looks to be some lady in a white robe and a pink hat walking behind the backstop. If I were to draw Resurrection Mary, it would have been that lady. They only come out on Opening Day.

I wish Derek Lee could learn the art of leaning into a pitch. He could do it at least once a game. Sissy. They showed some slob in a red Cubs shirt chowing down on nachos. I implore you, Cubs fans, to please not wear red Cubs shirts. Cardinals wear red. Cubs wear blue. Don’t be stupid. Lee fouled off a few, but struck out looking on a breaking ball right down the pipe. Annoying. Cubs still up 8-2.

Bottom of the 4^th

Have you bought your Cubs blue “BELIEVE” bracelet? No? Good. I try to only wear bracelets that support good causes like fighting testicular cancer or breast cancer. Not that my team wins some games. It’s a rubber band, for God’s sake. Another 3-2 count to Green, and Z loses him. Z desperately needs a low-pitch inning, and he’s not off to a good start. Has he started anyone with a strike?

Z throws over to first, and I realize how much Tim Tschida looks like an old-timey bartender. I hope the next time Z throws over there, he’s spitting into a mug and wiping it with a dirty rag. I think Z is actually fooling the home plate ump with these pitches, so he strikes out Cruz the old-fashioned way, swinging, in honor of Tim Tschida’s saloon.

FINALLY! Z gets Tracy down 0-1. Good. He fists the 0-1 offering into right, though, for a base hit. Holy crap! A-Ram just made a great catch in foul territory to get Koyie Hill. Awesome. Z needed that badly, as he got Hill with one pitch.

Tony Clark (or Tony Clark’s rotting corpse) comes up. Can you imagine a worse fate than being on the 2004 Yankees and then being relegated to the 2005 Diamondbacks? Other than being a Cardinals fan? I didn’t think so. Z makes quick work of him, striking him out on three straight. Good, quick inning for Z as the Cubs still lead 8-2.

Top of the 5^th

Aquino, yet another D-Back pitcher, as Tony Clark hit for Gosling. Holla needs a hit. And he gets one! Barrett is the only hitless Cub today. Unless you include Macias. He’s symbolically hitless for his lifetime, though.

Barrett’s hair is way shorter this year, making him look less “frat boy” and more “Major League baseball player.” Holla looks like he wants to run, as Aquino keeps throwing over there. One more dive back to first, and he’s going to shatter like Mr. Glass. Dang. I thought Barrett had his first hit, as he nailed one on the screws, but Gonzo caught it.

For a bigger dude, Z can sure get down the line. He’s barely thrown out on a chopper to short, moving Holla to 2^nd.

Corey steps in as Kasper finally uses the horrendous cliché, “duck on the pond.” Corey shows great patience at the plate, working a 3-0 count. I like seeing him lay off a 3-0 fastball on the outside corner, too. Make him bring it, Corey. Aquino can’t, and Corey draws the first Cub walk of the season. How ironic.

Walker pulls a ball off the 1^st base bag for the 15^th Cub hit, scoring Holla and making it 9-2 Cubs. Everything’s coming up Cubs so far. Can I thank Nomar Garciaparra, by the way, in case he ever reads my blog, for making Cubs fans everywhere very, very happy. You’re an outstanding player, Nomar, and we’re unbelievably lucky to have you in Chicago. But you just whiffed. So what have you done for me lately? 9-2 Cubs.

Bottom of the 5^th

Counsell singles and they cut to a shot of Brenly and Kasper. They’re both wearing “BELIEVE” bracelets. One good thing about this broadcast team is at least there’s not the height mismatch of Chip and Steve Stone. I swear, it looked like Chip could have just picked him up by his head, crushed him, and spread his jellified body on toast. Z whiffs Clayton. How about a double play now, Z? He whiffs Gonzo. Good enough.

Z gives up a double, and now he’s starting to get squeezed, so he walks Green. Bases loaded. Z completely getting squeezed now, and he walks in a run to make it 9-3 Cubs. He’s out, won’t get the win, and we get to see the chinless Glendon Rusch now. Now Z gets himself ejected. Good start, Z. You’re still up 6 runs. Shut your mouth. Certainly Bob Watson will suspend him for the season for this. Ass bag. Rusch comes in and gets a pop out to end the inning with the Cubs still up 9-3.

Top of the 6^th

A-Ram earns a walk to start the inning. Burnitz with another hit. Derek Lee hits the living snot out of the ball to straightaway center to make it 12-3 Cubs. I think Kasper confused himself on the home run call. I think he said something along the lines of, “Ah! It’s gone!” He scared me. Another trip to the bullpen as Brad Halsey comes in.

Holla grounds out, setting the stage for Barrett to get his first hit. He hits a scorcher, but Counsell catches it. Rusch flies out to end the inning, and it’s 12-3 Cubs, as it’s turning into a laugher.

Bottom of the 6^th

Koyie Hill pops out in the time it took me to run to the bathroom and get back. Have I made a snide “Koyie” comment yet? No? Well, it’s a dumb name. Glendon also makes quick work of Halsey. I like Glendon coming out of the bullpen. Of course, I don’t particularly like Dempster in the rotation. Sigh.

Glendon walks Counsell. I don’t know if it’s the beer or the blowout, but I’m losing my normally intense focus. Clayton singles. Counsell to third. Yawn. Get this last out, Glendon. Brenly is trying to make it seem like it’s crucial that Glendon get Gonzo here, even though the Cubs will still have a 6-run lead if he goes yard. Nice effort, but no dice. Burnitz makes a nice snow-cone catch to end the inning, keeping it 12-3 Cubs after a shaky Rusch inning.

Top of the 7^th

WGN is now televising paintball. We’ve finally bottomed out, folks. So this is what it feels like. Corey gets good wood on the ball, driving it to right-center, but it’s caught. Hairston comes in for Walker. I like this guy, and I wish him the best in his Cub career. He’s exactly what many of the Cub hitters aren’t. He doesn’t strike out much, he’s fast, and he can bunt. He flies out to Shawn Green, though, exhibiting none of those three qualities. Nose-Mar hits one off Halsey’s glove and reaches 1^st, but gets screwed out of a hit by a hometown scorer.

Aramis likes his new contract. He hits one to the opposite field off Halsey for his third hit of the game, his first homer of the season, and the 14^th Cub run, leaving them one shy of the Cub record for runs scored in a season opener. Burnitz whiffs (get used to it) to end the inning, but not before the Cubs take a 14-3 lead.

Bottom of the 7^th

Good God it’s the first appearance of Neifi Perez. At least Dubois came in for Holla to make me hate Dusty less. The Cub starting infield went 11-17 with 2 homers today. Wow. Mike Bradt ver. 2004 says, “We’re definitely going to win the World Series this year.” I say the Cubs look good today.

A walk and a single, and there are two on with no out for Glendon. Now, the bases are loaded with a walk. Glendon’s miserable spring is carrying into the season, as he has three walks already. Crap, guys, we’re only three grand slams away from a loss. Tracy hits a sac fly to make it 14-4 Cubs. This home plate ump sucks, by the way. He’s squeezing Rusch now. Weak.

Yay! My first Henry Blanco sighting! I think he may be the ugliest Cub on the current roster. Patterson makes a good play on a sac fly by Koyie Hill, making it 14-5 Cubs. Rusch gets Halsey to ground out to Hairston, and the inning ends with a 14-5 Cub lead.

Top of the 8^th

Somehow, this lady in the stands let her husband out of the house wearing a bright orange Illinois t-shirt with a red-brimmed, blue Cubs hat. Not to be the fashion police, but that it just downright ugly. Derek Lee is in the zone. He picks up his fourth hit, a double. It would really help if he didn’t take April off this year, like he normally does.

Dubois is up. He needs a homer to wake up Dusty. I want Dubois to homer every time he hits this year. Because of Dusty’s penchant for playing rookies, I would guess that would give him 35 homers. Dubois rips a single for the 20^th hit of the day for the Cubs. Gene Clines must be sexually aroused right now.

This is Barrett’s sixth chance to get a hit, and he FINALLY does to drive in Lee and make it 15-5 Cubs. This is getting somewhat out of hand. Now we get to see Jose Macias, who promptly grounds into a double play on the first pitch he sees. Is there a more useless player in the game of baseball than Jose Macias? The answer is no. I hate him. It’s a travesty that he made this team and David Kelton was sent down.

Bob Melvin looks like he wishes he were wearing adult diapers. Corey Patterson helps set a Cub record by driving in Dubois to make it 16-5 Cubs, the most runs the Cubs have scored on Opening Day in Cub history. Way to hit the ground running, fellas. Your success has made my sarcastically-planned column much more serious than I would have liked, but I’ll take it. There are 12 people left in Bank One. What troopers. Hairston grounds out to end the inning at a whopping 16-5 Cubs.

Bottom of the 8^th

Cliff Bartosh throws his first pitches as a Cub, getting Counsell to ground out to the mostly-useless Macias for the out. Good thing Lee is playing first, because Jose threw that thing directly into the ground, which is slightly above eye level for him. Bartosh whiffs Clayton. Bartosh has a nice and easy 1-2-3 inning to send the Cubs into the 9^th with the score still 16-5 Cubs.

Top of the 9^th

Sweet. Neifi is up. He shatters his bat on a foul ball, exposing no cork inside of it. Surprise, surprise. He pops out, much to the chagrin of the Neifi Perez Bandwagon. Bartosh actually has a better at bat than Neifi, dropping a base hit into right. That’s his first career hit, and they gave it to Kerry Wood. Kerry pretended to throw it into the stands, and Brenly made some good jokes about what Kerry might write on the ball. Burnitz strikes out for the third time. Three hits. Three strikeouts. Good old Burnitz.

There’s another pitch Lee could have leaned into. In a 16-5 game, we need that run. Damn. Lee couldn’t get on. I wanted another Dubois at-bat. Barring an 11-run rally, I can’t see that happening now.

Bottom of the 9^th

Wellemeyer comes in out of the bullpen. He has a quick inning, allowing only a few hits and a run. Wellemeyer’s shoulders are like a woman’s business suit from the 1980’s. Perfectly square. Good for him. Some bald jackass with a pony tail is wearing a “This Old Cub” shirt. Give it up, man. You’re bald. Lose the sandals, put on a suit, and support your drug habit the American way. Kasper just said that Burnitz decided to “Eat it out in right.” Put your own inflection into that sentence, but it sure sounded dirty.

CUBS WIN as Wellemeyer gets a K for the final out. Good start to 2005, boys. Keep it up now!

How the Ache Stole 2005

How the Ache Stole 2005

Every fan down in Wrigleyville liked baseball a lot,
But the Ache, who lived on the South Side, did NOT!
The Ache hated baseball!
The whole baseball season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his manager didn't speak English quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his own shoulder was tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that he missed out on playoffs each fall.
But, whatever the reason,
His English or arm,
He stood there each season, bringing Cub pitchers harm.
Staring down from his trailer with a sour, Achey frown
At the warm lighted windows in their stones that were Brown.
For he knew every fan down in Wrigleyville there
Was eagerly waiting for runs, hits, and errors.
"And they're hanging their White Flag!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Opening Day! It is here!"
Then he growled, with his Ache fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep baseball from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew, all those who loved Cubs
Would wake up bright and early.
They'd rush for their pubs!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Then the fans, young and old, would sit down for a beer.
"Old Style!" They'd say! "I need two over here!"
They would start on Old Style, nachos, and brats,
Which the Ache couldn't stand, and he couldn't stand lots!
And THEN they'd do something he liked least of all!
Every fan down in Wrigleyville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, during the seventh inning.
They'd stand with their beers, and the fans would start singing!
They'd sing! And they'd sing!
And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more the Ache thought of the Fan-Inning-Sing,
The more the Ache thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for ninety-seven years I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop baseball from coming!
But HOW?" Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE ACHE GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
"I know just what to do!" The Ache laughed like a virus.
And he made up a phrase! "Shoulder bursitis!"
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Achey trick!
"I'll give Wood bursitis, and a case of the ticks!"
So he called his dog Dusty, with toothpicks galore,
And said, "I'll break Wood, Mark, and Jobo for sure!"
Then he hitched Dusty up to an old bullpen car,
And said, "Giddyup! Wrigley Field isn't far!"
And they moved toward the place where fans pass out at bars.
All their windows were dark. Crushed hopes filled the air.
All the fans were dreaming of '08 without care.
He got to 1060 Addison and stopped there.
"This is where we must stop," The old Ache hissed,
And climbed over the fence, and balled up his fist.
Then he grabbed Wood by his right shoulder, and pinched.
And said, "Now there's no way that you bums will clinch!"
Then he slithered and slunk, with an unpleasant smile,
Around the whole room, setting traps all the while!
Banana peels! Billy goats! Pitch counts! And fans!
Paul Sullivan! Neifi! And expansion plans!
And he left them all there. Then the Ache, with a grin,
Clapped his hands together, saying, "They'll never win!"
Then he slunk to the hot tub. He took Prior's arm!
He took JoBo's forearm! He brought the Cubs harm!
He cleaned out that team just as quick as he could.
Why, that Ache even took the Cub shortstop, who's good!
Then he left all the saps at Wrigley with glee.
"And NOW!" grinned the Ache, "I will leave you Dusty!
"He'll run your Zambrano right into the ground!
"You'd all better fear when he's taking the mound!
"He'll have pitch counts of two hundred, three hundred, four!
"And when his arm falls off he'll just pitch him some more!"
Then he turned around fast, and saw a small fry!
Little Jose Macias, a troll of a guy.
The Ache had been caught by this little pinch-hitter,
Who'd got out of bed for a trip to the shitter.
He stared at the Ache and said,
"Achy, why? Why are you ruining 2005? WHY?"
But, you know, that old Ache was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, you worthless slap hitter," the South Sider lied,
"Poor Mark has a really bad stitch in his side.
"So I'm taking it home to my office, you see.
"To fix it up there with some quick therapy."
And his fib fooled Jose. Then he patted his head,
And he got him a drink and he sent him to bed.
And when Jose Macias went to bed with his cup,
He went to the front office stairs and climbed up!
Then the last thing he took was Jim Hendry's brain.
"He'll sign Burnitz and Perez and cause Cub fans much pain.
"He'll trade Sosa and Farnsworth for nothing, you see,
"And give Jose a new contract to fetch sticks for Dusty."
In the bullpen he left nothing but Wuertz and Dempster.
Hawkins a closer? The Cubs fans aren't sure.
And the one speck of hope that he left in the clubhouse,
Was Dubois, who lost his starting job to a mouse.
It was quarter past dawn...
All the fans, still a-drunk.
All the fans, still asleep.
When he left Wrigleyville, leaving them all to weep.
"Pooh-pooh to the fans!" he was ache-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no pennant is coming!
"They're just sobering up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the fans down in Wrigleyville will all cry BOO-HOO!"
"That's a noise," grinned the Ache,
"That I simply must hear!"
So he paused. And the Ache put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the El.
It started in low. Then it started to swell
But the sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY! He stared down at Wrigleyville!
The Ache popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every fan down in Wrigleyville, the tall and the small,
Was singing! Without any baseball at all!
He HADN'T stopped baseball from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the Ache, with his Ache-feet ice cold in spring snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without Prior! It came without Wood!
"It came without guys on the bench who are good!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the Ache thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe baseball," he thought, "isn't 'bout wins and losses.
"Maybe baseball's 'bout lining the pockets of bosses!"
And what happened then?
Well...in Wrigley they say,
That the Ache's small heart,
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his ointment through the bright morning light,
And he fixed Kerry Wood! And Mark and JoBo!
And he... HE HIMSELF...!
Went 20-0!

A Cub Fan's View of Yankees-Red Sox

I decided, in the grand tradition of running logs, to catalog my viewing of the Opening Night Yankees-Red Sox game. Here are my thoughts.

Top of the 1st
Randy Johnson is a corporate sell-out bitch. No mullet = no respect. He's only hitting 92-93 on the radar. I'm going to call him "Samson." Samson strikes out two and retires them in order in his first inning as a corporate bitch. Manny Ramirez cries about striking out on a pitch on the inside corner. Manny has what appear to be dingleberries hanging from his hair.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Randy Johnson is a good pitcher.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1

Bottom of the 1st
Holy God, did David Wells somehow get fatter? He looks like he swallowed Sydney Ponson in the offseason. Also, what in God's name is going on with Tony Womack's mustache? I thought "The Yankee Way" was no facial hair. I guess they make exceptions for legends of the game like Samson and Tony Womack. And Ruben Sierra is still alive? How? Torre has him hitting fourth in the Yankee lineup, a lineup that includes Jeter, A-Rod, Sheffield, Giambi, Posada, Matsui, and Bernie Williams. How can he keep his job? Could there be a gayer 1-2 hitting combination in baseball than Jeter and A-Rod? Seriously. If I were Sheffield, I'd bring a mop to the plate every time I batted third. Jeter gets a squib hit, not unlike Luis Gonzalez's World Series-winning hit in 2001. Remember that, Jeter? Turd. A-Rod swings at a pitch in his eyes, possibly to protect his precious face. Jon Miller talks about how much Fat Wells loved Babe Ruth. He says that he wrote a report on him in grade school. What's more amazing? That Wells loves the only guy in baseball history who was a fatter piece of crap than he was? Or that Wells can write? Anyhow, he once wore a game-used Ruth hat to pitch an inning for the Yankees. The first ass slap of the 2005 season is given to A-Rod. How appropriate. Racist Gary Sheffield hits the white ball as hard as he can into the ground. I think he's sending a message to The Man.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Hitters don't like the cold.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1

Top of the 2nd
Oh, man. I think Kevin Millar may have actually brushed his teeth. Or got them capped. Either way, he also dyed his hair to complete his metamorphosis into Owen Wilson. He hit a shot to left field, but Moe from the Three Stooges jumped into the stands and caught it. Samson hasn't looked particularly sharp. He gave up a double to Shrek Ortiz to start the inning. There aren't many things funnier than watching Shrek leg out a double. Awesome. Jay Payton, of all freaking people, drives in the first run of the game as the Red Sox go up 1-0.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz is a good hitter because he got a hit off Samson without having seen him before. Because that's never happened in the history of baseball.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2

Bottom of the 2nd
Jon Miller starts the inning by saying, "Everybody's here. Billy Crystal. Tony Danza." Tony Danza? Some jackass in the stands is actually dressed like Jesus Damon. They showed Bob Sheppard announcing Giambi. Did Matt Groening base Mr. Burns off this guy? His entire head is a liver spot! Brian Cashman always looks like someone just took a big dump on his dog, doesn't he? How has Pepto Bismal not contacted this guy about a promotion? Bernie Williams manages to drive in Moe from third on a sacrifice fly to tie the game 1-1. Tony Womack was apparently added to the Yankee lineup to give them that all-important element: speed. Does Steinbrenner even watch baseball? Womack sucks. On that new show Heist, they're going to have man-eating lions versus bankers. How Roman. I may have to watch.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Bernie gets congratulated by his teammates for getting the job done. Really? I thought those were veiled death threats.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2

Top of the 3rd
How the hell was Alex Sanchez the first player caught for steroid use? Maybe I missed something. I thought steroids were supposed to make you better. Quick inning, as a double play by Renteria erases Jesus, and Manny flies out. There's a commercial with both Mannings in it. Why did the cameraman not take the golden opportunity he had to kill them both?

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe Morgan doesn't understand the MLB steroid policy, yet rambles for two minutes about it.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2

Bottom of the 3rd
Wow. Jeter is 2-2. That's just peachy. Maybe that will erase the memories of last year's 0-200 slump he went into. Some hot girl is asking Cashman questions about the steroid policy. He's clueless. The guy's just trying to keep his job, Hot Lady. Leave him alone. Plus, Alex Sanchez is the only guy in history the Yankees haven't signed. Why would Cashman know about him? Jeter and A-Rod's batting stances are getting more and more similar. What's that thing they say about old couples? That they start to look like each other? Come on, Hot Lady! I need to hear more diarrhea spewing out of Joe Morgan's mouth. Sheffield drives in Jeter to make it 2-1 Yankees. He also has a little porn star mustache. Is Boss Steinbrenner softening? Rafael Palmeiro has the cure. Man, this steroid policy is rough. You can only get caught five times before Bud can kick you out of baseball, although he can decide not to. What is Alex Sanchez going to do for those ten days he's not getting paid? Wow. Is Jorge Posada really Ralph Macchio? Moe drives in Sheffield, and it's 3-1 Yankees. ESPN shows a reaction shot of the only two Asian people in Yankee Stadium. Apparently none of the white fans were cheering. "Gold Glover" Edgar Renteria muffs a grounder, and Joe Morgan talks about it for ten minutes. Giambi leans into a pitch to load the bases. I'm surprised his emaciated arm didn't shatter. That gets the Red Sox bullpen up. Not warming up. Aroused. Perverts. Wells balks in a run. What a freaking idiot. Yankee fans go crazy as Joe Morgan desperately tries to explain what the heck a balk is, and it looks like Moe on third might need the explanation. I'm now more confused, and the Yankees are up 4-1.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I thought putting a guy's name out there would deter other people from doing [steroids]." You also think you're a better second baseman than Ryne Sandberg, so go play with something sharp and rusty.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. What the hell is going on?

Top of the 4th
Samson must have had some hellacious acne when he was a kid. His jowls look like they were put through a wheat thresher. Shrek fouls a ball off his shin, likes the way it feels, and does it again. If I went to high school with Kevin Millar, I think I would have gone out of my way every day to punch him in the face. Also, "Cowboy Up" is the dumbest damn rally cry I've ever heard. Wow, those Yankee fans are so knowledgeable about baseball. So much so that they interfere with a ball in play down the left field line.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "When this ball was hit, just the sound of it told me it was out of the ballpark." Okay, Joe. What's this sound? That's right. It's me giving you the finger.
Bonus Drop-In: They don't put the "C" on the Yankee uniforms, but we all know that Jeter is the captain. Probably because you never shut up about it, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2

Bottom of the 4th
Tony Womack gets a hit in 2005, and I lose a bet. At least I get to look at his ridiculous mustache for a while longer. Joe Morgan forced me into a coma, so I missed most of the actual baseball action this inning, but it's still 4-1 Yankees.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: He actually asked Terry Francona if the ball that Millar hit looked like a home run from the field. No, Joe. Just from the booth.
Bonus Drop-In: When you use a slide step, "Your body gets in front of your arm." I bet that hurts. In a tribute to Mitch Hedberg, I bet when you reattach his arm, you'd call it "Wells altogether."
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2

Top of the 5th
Jeter fields a routine grounder without spiking himself. I'm sure all the Gold Glove voters took notice of that Web Gem. After Jeter won a Gold Glove last year, it officially became the most worthless award ever given. Mark Bellhorn doubles to left. Man, I miss that guy. I wish Dusty Baker knew OBP from a hole in the ground. But I digress. Samson just dialed it up to 95. I guess I was wrong. Jeter is apparently a world-beater for fielding a grounder that was traveling toward him at about 10 m.p.h. to get Renteria. I'm voting for him for President. By the way, I love the Verizon commercial where the guy with the job keeps getting calls from his buddies about dumb stuff. Like, "Guess how many cookies I have in my mouth." Great commercial. I'm surprised I haven't seen a Coach K commercial yet. I'm seeing those damn things in my sleep.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I usually have to come into your [Torre's] locker room to talk to you." Is it for the interview, Joe, or for the sweaty man-love?
Bonus Drop-In: In cold weather, sometimes pitchers don't "finish" the pitch. I assume that means the ball travels 30 feet, 3 inches and then just hovers suspended in mid-air.
Another Bonus Drop-In: Posada should have been considered more for the MVP. Maybe you didn't see Vlad Guerrero's numbers last year, stupid.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. Has ESPN learned restraint? I haven't seen a Tilt commercial either!

Bottom of the 5th
That Hot Lady from before is back, interviewing Boy Wonder Theo Epstein. Her name is Sam Ryan. I hate Epstein, not just because of jealousy. He's also a pompous ass. Hey, there's Curt Schilling! Nice of him to drag himself away from his Dungeons and Dragons to come watch the game. Wells beaned Giambi again. I would have, too, after he leaned into that pitch earlier. Payback's a bitch. Sam Ryan asked the Boy Wonder about Sanchez. I think it might have been the first he'd heard of it. He looked surprised. What are the Yankees going to do without their precious "1918!" cheer? Perhaps root for their own team instead of against the other team, perhaps? Wells loads the bases again with one out, and he's out of the game. As he's walking off the field, I can't help but be reminded of a giant Glad bag blowing in the wind. If my kid is ever dumb enough to stand outside watching a tornado, I'm leaving her for dead. The dad in that commercial is a better man than I. Mike Myers, the masked serial killer from Halloween, comes into the game and promptly gets the speed burner Tony Womack to ground into a 6-4-3 double play. Too bad you can't steal first, Tony.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "How many people will it take to replace Pedro Martinez?" One, Joe. Just one.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 3. Now we're getting somewhere.

Top of the 6th
Manny struck out looking again. This time he didn't cry. Samson brought it at 94 again. So far, he's pitched one inning for each decade he's been alive. What the heck does he do to keep in shape? I think his hair has actually gotten longer since the first, so perhaps my theory still holds. I guess technically his hair has gotten longer since the first. Technically. I'm bored. How long will it take before Mel Stottlemeyer ruins Samson? He did it with Jeff Weaver and Javier Vasquez in less than a year each. I'd chuck a ball at the back of his head when he was walking back to the dugout if I were Samson.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz just displayed "good hitting" by grounding out weakly to shortstop.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Does an ad for Taxi count? If not, then still 3. If so, 4. If Jimmy Fallon thought anyone saw that movie for him instead of the bikini-clad women, he's a bigger idiot than even I thought.

Bottom of the 6th
Samson is out of the game. Wuss. If Dusty Baker were managing, he'd still have a good 150 pitches left in him. Jeter steals a base. Yawn. Jesus Damon somehow lost all control of his body on a line drive hit at him, allowing A-Rod to double in Jeter. Yankees are up 5-1. I read an article on ESPN.com today about how great the Red Sox bullpen is. Brilliant. Of course, they also voluntarily pay Joe Morgan for his brilliant "insight." I'm going to give A-Rod some credit for tagging up from 2nd on a ball hit to Manny in left. That was actually some hustle baseball. Of course, I know corpses that would test Manny Ramirez's arm. Grandpa Sierra doubles in A-Rod to make it 6-1 Yankees. Another tightly-pitched AL game. The Red Sox are the best pitching staff in baseball? Please. The Cubs' 3rd starter is Carlos Zambrano to the Red Sox's David Wells. Who would you rather have pitching Opening Day? There is an old man now banging on a pot in the stands. I'm unclear as to his motivation. Finally! A women's Final Four update! It was just up, and I still couldn't tell you the four teams in it. I'm guessing Tennessee is one, though. Giambi lines out just in time for Jon Miller to say the words "sound check" and "Fat Joe" in the same sentence.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe makes the mistake of trying to distinguish the left side of the plate from the right side during the Sierra at-bat. He fails miserably.
Bonus Drop-In: Only Giambi and Sheffield have been AL MVPs from the Yankee starting lineup, although Ruben Sierra should have. Oh, the poor Yankees only have two MVPs in their lineup. Nice zoot suit, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4

Top of the 7th
Tino Martinez is a human EA Sports add, as he's "in the game" now. Giambi just walked into the clubhouse to inject something. Tanyon Sturtz is on the bump. What were his parents thinking? "Let's come up with a name that rhymes with 'canyon.'" Tino Martinez made a diving play, and the place went freaking berzerk. Now Sam Ryan just said "Fat Joe." I've got a Fat Joe for you. I hope my fiance doesn't read this. Kidding, dear. It's not named Joe. Apparently, instead of the Seventh-Inning Stretch, they're going to interview local musicians like Fat Joe. Fat Joe got sick to his stomach when the Yankees lost the 3-0 lead last year. I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to his one-man assault on the English language. ESPN has officially killed the Seventh-Inning Stretch. If they do this segment when the Cubs are on ESPN, I'm going to cry.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Americans in general are the most forgiving people in the world." I'll never forgive you for not voting for Sandberg for the Hall of Fame, ass head.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4

Bottom of the 7th
Mike Timlin is in the game. We get it, Mike. You have dip in your mouth. Do you think perhaps you could tone it down a bit? More reaction shots of Terry Francona. He looks like he should be coaching my minor league team. How the hell do they mow the fields to look like stuff? That's rad. Jon Miller is making the grievous error of stroking Joe Morgan's ego by asking him how he was such a good base stealer. On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to stab the Angels for demanding to be called "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim"? I'm going to start calling myself, "The Riverside Mike Bradt of South Bend." Why is Jeter squinting? It's fricking 10:45 p.m. Does he think it makes him look better? Or maybe it makes all of us look better. Boob. A-Rod has his "tough guy face" on. You know? The one you used in baseball pictures in high school? Uneventful inning. Still 6-1 Yankees. Have you ever noticed that AL parks seem to have a hard time keeping garbage off the field? I never see garbage on the field at Wrigley unless the fans purposely put it there. At Yankee Stadium and U.S. Sell-Your-Soul Field, garbage blows around like tumbleweed. In an unrelated note, is there anything Ice Cube can't do? Now he's XXX. The extra "X" is for "X-citing."

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Dave Roberts' steal changed the dynamic of the entire 2004 ALCS. Must have been even more important than Bill Mueller driving him in to tie the game, huh, Joe?
Bonus Drop-In: "You can see his left leg cross over. It just crosses over. You see it cross over there." Where did it go again, Joseph?
Another Bonus Drop-In: In response to Jon Miller saying that once the Yankees stopped hitting, they stopped scoring, Joe dropped in the ever-brilliant comment, "Correct."
Oh God, Joe, Stop: Just because you get thrown out trying to steal a base doesn't mean it costs you a run. Not even if the guy behind you hits a home run?
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4

Top of the 8th
Apparently, A-Rod throwing out Renteria at first with no one on base in the 8th inning of a 6-1 blowout is a praiseworthy play. I'm surprised Jon and Joe can talk with their lips pressed up against A-Rods' ass that hard. It's raining now in Yankee Stadium, which is probably scaring the hell out of Cashman. Tanyon Sturtze has been lights-out in relief so far. It sort of pisses me off that I actually know that dude's name. There's no reason for it. Thanks a lot, ESPN East Coast bias. That freaky Nike "mask" commercial that must have been thought up by the guy who wrote Saw was on again. I think Mariano Rivera's mask is the same thing that guy from Se7en had to strap on to kill that hooker.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: A-Rod's cheap-ass slap of the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove last year was apparently a great play, because I'm sure his teammates wanted him to do something. "I don't know why he was taken to task for it." Perhaps because it was a cheap-ass play that could have broken his wrist? I don't know.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4

Bottom of the 8th
Dear God isn't this game over yet? Brilliant ad from ESPN on the wall behind the catcher. "Baseball Tonight: All Season Long on ESPN." Can you be a little less specific? I sure don't want to miss any of John Kruk's idiotic comments this year. I just checked to see what was more important than Opening Night to relegate it to ESPN2. Apparently, the women's Final Four is on ESPN. Wow. To quote Bill Murray from Groundhog Day, "What a waste of time." Moe just hit a 2-run bomb, the first of the 2005 season, making it 8-1 Yankees. When that guy smiles, he looks like Yoda. Good Lord, man. Botox. The Yankee fans that are left go nuts for Tino Martinez. Too bad they don't realize what an asshole he was in the St. Louis and Tampa Bay clubhouses. Spoiled brat. "Welcome home, Tino," indeed. Man, Paul O'Neil is still intense. He's broadcasting for the YES network, and he looks like he's about to kill someone. I'm glad to see he hasn't given up on the curly hair. I was sort of mad that the Cubs didn't make a run at Matt Mantei, who's pitching now, considering how cheaply the Red Sox got him. After this miserable performance, I don't think I could handle that kind of stress. John Halama comes in to face Tony Womack. I wonder if Womack would be a better hitter if he'd actually fricking stay in the batter's box instead of running to first while he's swinging. Loser. Jeter stands in as a yellow plastic bag blows by. I think it's actually a BALCO bag. Jeter knocks the crap out of one that barely gets under Halama's glove, scoring Tino and making it 9-1 Yankees. This is A-Rod's sixth at-bat. Good God the AL sucks. He grounds out to Mueller, and the 8th mercifully comes to an end.

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: After Moe's 2-run homer: "Those gloves work." Perhaps it was the 3-1 fastball on the inner half of the plate instead of his batting gloves, Joe. Just a thought.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 5

Top of the 9th
Joe Morgan is trying to convince Jon Miller that he knows how to read. I'm not buying it, and neither should Jon. Flash Gordon is in, doing his best to get the Red Sox back in the game and prolong the agony of listening to Joe Morgan. First and third, no one out. My kingdom for a double play. At least Joe is no longer talking about "high cheese" and "low cheese." Baby steps to learning how to broadcast. Sac fly makes it a more cosmetic 9-2 Yankees. Please ground in to a double play, Mueller. Please? Close enough. Pop-out. Gordon whiffs Bellhorn to end the game. Thank God. Yankees win 9-2. ESPN is airing "Boston's Offseason of Bliss" now. I plan on turning off the TV. I'm sure I'll be doing this same thing for the Cubs tomorrow if I can contain my excitement. I hope you enjoyed it!

Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Actually, you know what? I did know that [Tom Gordon was the Red Sox's last Opening Day starter before Pedro Martinez]." Really? Then why did you say Roger Clemens? Huh, Joe? Why?
Final Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Only 5, although that's a good two and a half minutes of Jimmy Fallon that I did not need in my life.