A Cub Fan's View of Yankees-Red Sox
I decided, in the grand tradition of running logs, to catalog my viewing of the Opening Night Yankees-Red Sox game. Here are my thoughts.
Top of the 1st
Randy Johnson is a corporate sell-out bitch. No mullet = no respect. He's only hitting 92-93 on the radar. I'm going to call him "Samson." Samson strikes out two and retires them in order in his first inning as a corporate bitch. Manny Ramirez cries about striking out on a pitch on the inside corner. Manny has what appear to be dingleberries hanging from his hair.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Randy Johnson is a good pitcher.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1
Bottom of the 1st
Holy God, did David Wells somehow get fatter? He looks like he swallowed Sydney Ponson in the offseason. Also, what in God's name is going on with Tony Womack's mustache? I thought "The Yankee Way" was no facial hair. I guess they make exceptions for legends of the game like Samson and Tony Womack. And Ruben Sierra is still alive? How? Torre has him hitting fourth in the Yankee lineup, a lineup that includes Jeter, A-Rod, Sheffield, Giambi, Posada, Matsui, and Bernie Williams. How can he keep his job? Could there be a gayer 1-2 hitting combination in baseball than Jeter and A-Rod? Seriously. If I were Sheffield, I'd bring a mop to the plate every time I batted third. Jeter gets a squib hit, not unlike Luis Gonzalez's World Series-winning hit in 2001. Remember that, Jeter? Turd. A-Rod swings at a pitch in his eyes, possibly to protect his precious face. Jon Miller talks about how much Fat Wells loved Babe Ruth. He says that he wrote a report on him in grade school. What's more amazing? That Wells loves the only guy in baseball history who was a fatter piece of crap than he was? Or that Wells can write? Anyhow, he once wore a game-used Ruth hat to pitch an inning for the Yankees. The first ass slap of the 2005 season is given to A-Rod. How appropriate. Racist Gary Sheffield hits the white ball as hard as he can into the ground. I think he's sending a message to The Man.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Hitters don't like the cold.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1
Top of the 2nd
Oh, man. I think Kevin Millar may have actually brushed his teeth. Or got them capped. Either way, he also dyed his hair to complete his metamorphosis into Owen Wilson. He hit a shot to left field, but Moe from the Three Stooges jumped into the stands and caught it. Samson hasn't looked particularly sharp. He gave up a double to Shrek Ortiz to start the inning. There aren't many things funnier than watching Shrek leg out a double. Awesome. Jay Payton, of all freaking people, drives in the first run of the game as the Red Sox go up 1-0.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz is a good hitter because he got a hit off Samson without having seen him before. Because that's never happened in the history of baseball.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 2nd
Jon Miller starts the inning by saying, "Everybody's here. Billy Crystal. Tony Danza." Tony Danza? Some jackass in the stands is actually dressed like Jesus Damon. They showed Bob Sheppard announcing Giambi. Did Matt Groening base Mr. Burns off this guy? His entire head is a liver spot! Brian Cashman always looks like someone just took a big dump on his dog, doesn't he? How has Pepto Bismal not contacted this guy about a promotion? Bernie Williams manages to drive in Moe from third on a sacrifice fly to tie the game 1-1. Tony Womack was apparently added to the Yankee lineup to give them that all-important element: speed. Does Steinbrenner even watch baseball? Womack sucks. On that new show Heist, they're going to have man-eating lions versus bankers. How Roman. I may have to watch.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Bernie gets congratulated by his teammates for getting the job done. Really? I thought those were veiled death threats.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Top of the 3rd
How the hell was Alex Sanchez the first player caught for steroid use? Maybe I missed something. I thought steroids were supposed to make you better. Quick inning, as a double play by Renteria erases Jesus, and Manny flies out. There's a commercial with both Mannings in it. Why did the cameraman not take the golden opportunity he had to kill them both?
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe Morgan doesn't understand the MLB steroid policy, yet rambles for two minutes about it.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 3rd
Wow. Jeter is 2-2. That's just peachy. Maybe that will erase the memories of last year's 0-200 slump he went into. Some hot girl is asking Cashman questions about the steroid policy. He's clueless. The guy's just trying to keep his job, Hot Lady. Leave him alone. Plus, Alex Sanchez is the only guy in history the Yankees haven't signed. Why would Cashman know about him? Jeter and A-Rod's batting stances are getting more and more similar. What's that thing they say about old couples? That they start to look like each other? Come on, Hot Lady! I need to hear more diarrhea spewing out of Joe Morgan's mouth. Sheffield drives in Jeter to make it 2-1 Yankees. He also has a little porn star mustache. Is Boss Steinbrenner softening? Rafael Palmeiro has the cure. Man, this steroid policy is rough. You can only get caught five times before Bud can kick you out of baseball, although he can decide not to. What is Alex Sanchez going to do for those ten days he's not getting paid? Wow. Is Jorge Posada really Ralph Macchio? Moe drives in Sheffield, and it's 3-1 Yankees. ESPN shows a reaction shot of the only two Asian people in Yankee Stadium. Apparently none of the white fans were cheering. "Gold Glover" Edgar Renteria muffs a grounder, and Joe Morgan talks about it for ten minutes. Giambi leans into a pitch to load the bases. I'm surprised his emaciated arm didn't shatter. That gets the Red Sox bullpen up. Not warming up. Aroused. Perverts. Wells balks in a run. What a freaking idiot. Yankee fans go crazy as Joe Morgan desperately tries to explain what the heck a balk is, and it looks like Moe on third might need the explanation. I'm now more confused, and the Yankees are up 4-1.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I thought putting a guy's name out there would deter other people from doing [steroids]." You also think you're a better second baseman than Ryne Sandberg, so go play with something sharp and rusty.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. What the hell is going on?
Top of the 4th
Samson must have had some hellacious acne when he was a kid. His jowls look like they were put through a wheat thresher. Shrek fouls a ball off his shin, likes the way it feels, and does it again. If I went to high school with Kevin Millar, I think I would have gone out of my way every day to punch him in the face. Also, "Cowboy Up" is the dumbest damn rally cry I've ever heard. Wow, those Yankee fans are so knowledgeable about baseball. So much so that they interfere with a ball in play down the left field line.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "When this ball was hit, just the sound of it told me it was out of the ballpark." Okay, Joe. What's this sound? That's right. It's me giving you the finger.
Bonus Drop-In: They don't put the "C" on the Yankee uniforms, but we all know that Jeter is the captain. Probably because you never shut up about it, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 4th
Tony Womack gets a hit in 2005, and I lose a bet. At least I get to look at his ridiculous mustache for a while longer. Joe Morgan forced me into a coma, so I missed most of the actual baseball action this inning, but it's still 4-1 Yankees.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: He actually asked Terry Francona if the ball that Millar hit looked like a home run from the field. No, Joe. Just from the booth.
Bonus Drop-In: When you use a slide step, "Your body gets in front of your arm." I bet that hurts. In a tribute to Mitch Hedberg, I bet when you reattach his arm, you'd call it "Wells altogether."
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Top of the 5th
Jeter fields a routine grounder without spiking himself. I'm sure all the Gold Glove voters took notice of that Web Gem. After Jeter won a Gold Glove last year, it officially became the most worthless award ever given. Mark Bellhorn doubles to left. Man, I miss that guy. I wish Dusty Baker knew OBP from a hole in the ground. But I digress. Samson just dialed it up to 95. I guess I was wrong. Jeter is apparently a world-beater for fielding a grounder that was traveling toward him at about 10 m.p.h. to get Renteria. I'm voting for him for President. By the way, I love the Verizon commercial where the guy with the job keeps getting calls from his buddies about dumb stuff. Like, "Guess how many cookies I have in my mouth." Great commercial. I'm surprised I haven't seen a Coach K commercial yet. I'm seeing those damn things in my sleep.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I usually have to come into your [Torre's] locker room to talk to you." Is it for the interview, Joe, or for the sweaty man-love?
Bonus Drop-In: In cold weather, sometimes pitchers don't "finish" the pitch. I assume that means the ball travels 30 feet, 3 inches and then just hovers suspended in mid-air.
Another Bonus Drop-In: Posada should have been considered more for the MVP. Maybe you didn't see Vlad Guerrero's numbers last year, stupid.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. Has ESPN learned restraint? I haven't seen a Tilt commercial either!
Bottom of the 5th
That Hot Lady from before is back, interviewing Boy Wonder Theo Epstein. Her name is Sam Ryan. I hate Epstein, not just because of jealousy. He's also a pompous ass. Hey, there's Curt Schilling! Nice of him to drag himself away from his Dungeons and Dragons to come watch the game. Wells beaned Giambi again. I would have, too, after he leaned into that pitch earlier. Payback's a bitch. Sam Ryan asked the Boy Wonder about Sanchez. I think it might have been the first he'd heard of it. He looked surprised. What are the Yankees going to do without their precious "1918!" cheer? Perhaps root for their own team instead of against the other team, perhaps? Wells loads the bases again with one out, and he's out of the game. As he's walking off the field, I can't help but be reminded of a giant Glad bag blowing in the wind. If my kid is ever dumb enough to stand outside watching a tornado, I'm leaving her for dead. The dad in that commercial is a better man than I. Mike Myers, the masked serial killer from Halloween, comes into the game and promptly gets the speed burner Tony Womack to ground into a 6-4-3 double play. Too bad you can't steal first, Tony.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "How many people will it take to replace Pedro Martinez?" One, Joe. Just one.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 3. Now we're getting somewhere.
Top of the 6th
Manny struck out looking again. This time he didn't cry. Samson brought it at 94 again. So far, he's pitched one inning for each decade he's been alive. What the heck does he do to keep in shape? I think his hair has actually gotten longer since the first, so perhaps my theory still holds. I guess technically his hair has gotten longer since the first. Technically. I'm bored. How long will it take before Mel Stottlemeyer ruins Samson? He did it with Jeff Weaver and Javier Vasquez in less than a year each. I'd chuck a ball at the back of his head when he was walking back to the dugout if I were Samson.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz just displayed "good hitting" by grounding out weakly to shortstop.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Does an ad for Taxi count? If not, then still 3. If so, 4. If Jimmy Fallon thought anyone saw that movie for him instead of the bikini-clad women, he's a bigger idiot than even I thought.
Bottom of the 6th
Samson is out of the game. Wuss. If Dusty Baker were managing, he'd still have a good 150 pitches left in him. Jeter steals a base. Yawn. Jesus Damon somehow lost all control of his body on a line drive hit at him, allowing A-Rod to double in Jeter. Yankees are up 5-1. I read an article on ESPN.com today about how great the Red Sox bullpen is. Brilliant. Of course, they also voluntarily pay Joe Morgan for his brilliant "insight." I'm going to give A-Rod some credit for tagging up from 2nd on a ball hit to Manny in left. That was actually some hustle baseball. Of course, I know corpses that would test Manny Ramirez's arm. Grandpa Sierra doubles in A-Rod to make it 6-1 Yankees. Another tightly-pitched AL game. The Red Sox are the best pitching staff in baseball? Please. The Cubs' 3rd starter is Carlos Zambrano to the Red Sox's David Wells. Who would you rather have pitching Opening Day? There is an old man now banging on a pot in the stands. I'm unclear as to his motivation. Finally! A women's Final Four update! It was just up, and I still couldn't tell you the four teams in it. I'm guessing Tennessee is one, though. Giambi lines out just in time for Jon Miller to say the words "sound check" and "Fat Joe" in the same sentence.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe makes the mistake of trying to distinguish the left side of the plate from the right side during the Sierra at-bat. He fails miserably.
Bonus Drop-In: Only Giambi and Sheffield have been AL MVPs from the Yankee starting lineup, although Ruben Sierra should have. Oh, the poor Yankees only have two MVPs in their lineup. Nice zoot suit, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Top of the 7th
Tino Martinez is a human EA Sports add, as he's "in the game" now. Giambi just walked into the clubhouse to inject something. Tanyon Sturtz is on the bump. What were his parents thinking? "Let's come up with a name that rhymes with 'canyon.'" Tino Martinez made a diving play, and the place went freaking berzerk. Now Sam Ryan just said "Fat Joe." I've got a Fat Joe for you. I hope my fiance doesn't read this. Kidding, dear. It's not named Joe. Apparently, instead of the Seventh-Inning Stretch, they're going to interview local musicians like Fat Joe. Fat Joe got sick to his stomach when the Yankees lost the 3-0 lead last year. I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to his one-man assault on the English language. ESPN has officially killed the Seventh-Inning Stretch. If they do this segment when the Cubs are on ESPN, I'm going to cry.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Americans in general are the most forgiving people in the world." I'll never forgive you for not voting for Sandberg for the Hall of Fame, ass head.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Bottom of the 7th
Mike Timlin is in the game. We get it, Mike. You have dip in your mouth. Do you think perhaps you could tone it down a bit? More reaction shots of Terry Francona. He looks like he should be coaching my minor league team. How the hell do they mow the fields to look like stuff? That's rad. Jon Miller is making the grievous error of stroking Joe Morgan's ego by asking him how he was such a good base stealer. On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to stab the Angels for demanding to be called "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim"? I'm going to start calling myself, "The Riverside Mike Bradt of South Bend." Why is Jeter squinting? It's fricking 10:45 p.m. Does he think it makes him look better? Or maybe it makes all of us look better. Boob. A-Rod has his "tough guy face" on. You know? The one you used in baseball pictures in high school? Uneventful inning. Still 6-1 Yankees. Have you ever noticed that AL parks seem to have a hard time keeping garbage off the field? I never see garbage on the field at Wrigley unless the fans purposely put it there. At Yankee Stadium and U.S. Sell-Your-Soul Field, garbage blows around like tumbleweed. In an unrelated note, is there anything Ice Cube can't do? Now he's XXX. The extra "X" is for "X-citing."
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Dave Roberts' steal changed the dynamic of the entire 2004 ALCS. Must have been even more important than Bill Mueller driving him in to tie the game, huh, Joe?
Bonus Drop-In: "You can see his left leg cross over. It just crosses over. You see it cross over there." Where did it go again, Joseph?
Another Bonus Drop-In: In response to Jon Miller saying that once the Yankees stopped hitting, they stopped scoring, Joe dropped in the ever-brilliant comment, "Correct."
Oh God, Joe, Stop: Just because you get thrown out trying to steal a base doesn't mean it costs you a run. Not even if the guy behind you hits a home run?
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Top of the 8th
Apparently, A-Rod throwing out Renteria at first with no one on base in the 8th inning of a 6-1 blowout is a praiseworthy play. I'm surprised Jon and Joe can talk with their lips pressed up against A-Rods' ass that hard. It's raining now in Yankee Stadium, which is probably scaring the hell out of Cashman. Tanyon Sturtze has been lights-out in relief so far. It sort of pisses me off that I actually know that dude's name. There's no reason for it. Thanks a lot, ESPN East Coast bias. That freaky Nike "mask" commercial that must have been thought up by the guy who wrote Saw was on again. I think Mariano Rivera's mask is the same thing that guy from Se7en had to strap on to kill that hooker.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: A-Rod's cheap-ass slap of the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove last year was apparently a great play, because I'm sure his teammates wanted him to do something. "I don't know why he was taken to task for it." Perhaps because it was a cheap-ass play that could have broken his wrist? I don't know.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Bottom of the 8th
Dear God isn't this game over yet? Brilliant ad from ESPN on the wall behind the catcher. "Baseball Tonight: All Season Long on ESPN." Can you be a little less specific? I sure don't want to miss any of John Kruk's idiotic comments this year. I just checked to see what was more important than Opening Night to relegate it to ESPN2. Apparently, the women's Final Four is on ESPN. Wow. To quote Bill Murray from Groundhog Day, "What a waste of time." Moe just hit a 2-run bomb, the first of the 2005 season, making it 8-1 Yankees. When that guy smiles, he looks like Yoda. Good Lord, man. Botox. The Yankee fans that are left go nuts for Tino Martinez. Too bad they don't realize what an asshole he was in the St. Louis and Tampa Bay clubhouses. Spoiled brat. "Welcome home, Tino," indeed. Man, Paul O'Neil is still intense. He's broadcasting for the YES network, and he looks like he's about to kill someone. I'm glad to see he hasn't given up on the curly hair. I was sort of mad that the Cubs didn't make a run at Matt Mantei, who's pitching now, considering how cheaply the Red Sox got him. After this miserable performance, I don't think I could handle that kind of stress. John Halama comes in to face Tony Womack. I wonder if Womack would be a better hitter if he'd actually fricking stay in the batter's box instead of running to first while he's swinging. Loser. Jeter stands in as a yellow plastic bag blows by. I think it's actually a BALCO bag. Jeter knocks the crap out of one that barely gets under Halama's glove, scoring Tino and making it 9-1 Yankees. This is A-Rod's sixth at-bat. Good God the AL sucks. He grounds out to Mueller, and the 8th mercifully comes to an end.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: After Moe's 2-run homer: "Those gloves work." Perhaps it was the 3-1 fastball on the inner half of the plate instead of his batting gloves, Joe. Just a thought.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 5
Top of the 9th
Joe Morgan is trying to convince Jon Miller that he knows how to read. I'm not buying it, and neither should Jon. Flash Gordon is in, doing his best to get the Red Sox back in the game and prolong the agony of listening to Joe Morgan. First and third, no one out. My kingdom for a double play. At least Joe is no longer talking about "high cheese" and "low cheese." Baby steps to learning how to broadcast. Sac fly makes it a more cosmetic 9-2 Yankees. Please ground in to a double play, Mueller. Please? Close enough. Pop-out. Gordon whiffs Bellhorn to end the game. Thank God. Yankees win 9-2. ESPN is airing "Boston's Offseason of Bliss" now. I plan on turning off the TV. I'm sure I'll be doing this same thing for the Cubs tomorrow if I can contain my excitement. I hope you enjoyed it!
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Actually, you know what? I did know that [Tom Gordon was the Red Sox's last Opening Day starter before Pedro Martinez]." Really? Then why did you say Roger Clemens? Huh, Joe? Why?
Final Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Only 5, although that's a good two and a half minutes of Jimmy Fallon that I did not need in my life.
Top of the 1st
Randy Johnson is a corporate sell-out bitch. No mullet = no respect. He's only hitting 92-93 on the radar. I'm going to call him "Samson." Samson strikes out two and retires them in order in his first inning as a corporate bitch. Manny Ramirez cries about striking out on a pitch on the inside corner. Manny has what appear to be dingleberries hanging from his hair.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Randy Johnson is a good pitcher.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1
Bottom of the 1st
Holy God, did David Wells somehow get fatter? He looks like he swallowed Sydney Ponson in the offseason. Also, what in God's name is going on with Tony Womack's mustache? I thought "The Yankee Way" was no facial hair. I guess they make exceptions for legends of the game like Samson and Tony Womack. And Ruben Sierra is still alive? How? Torre has him hitting fourth in the Yankee lineup, a lineup that includes Jeter, A-Rod, Sheffield, Giambi, Posada, Matsui, and Bernie Williams. How can he keep his job? Could there be a gayer 1-2 hitting combination in baseball than Jeter and A-Rod? Seriously. If I were Sheffield, I'd bring a mop to the plate every time I batted third. Jeter gets a squib hit, not unlike Luis Gonzalez's World Series-winning hit in 2001. Remember that, Jeter? Turd. A-Rod swings at a pitch in his eyes, possibly to protect his precious face. Jon Miller talks about how much Fat Wells loved Babe Ruth. He says that he wrote a report on him in grade school. What's more amazing? That Wells loves the only guy in baseball history who was a fatter piece of crap than he was? Or that Wells can write? Anyhow, he once wore a game-used Ruth hat to pitch an inning for the Yankees. The first ass slap of the 2005 season is given to A-Rod. How appropriate. Racist Gary Sheffield hits the white ball as hard as he can into the ground. I think he's sending a message to The Man.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Hitters don't like the cold.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 1
Top of the 2nd
Oh, man. I think Kevin Millar may have actually brushed his teeth. Or got them capped. Either way, he also dyed his hair to complete his metamorphosis into Owen Wilson. He hit a shot to left field, but Moe from the Three Stooges jumped into the stands and caught it. Samson hasn't looked particularly sharp. He gave up a double to Shrek Ortiz to start the inning. There aren't many things funnier than watching Shrek leg out a double. Awesome. Jay Payton, of all freaking people, drives in the first run of the game as the Red Sox go up 1-0.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz is a good hitter because he got a hit off Samson without having seen him before. Because that's never happened in the history of baseball.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 2nd
Jon Miller starts the inning by saying, "Everybody's here. Billy Crystal. Tony Danza." Tony Danza? Some jackass in the stands is actually dressed like Jesus Damon. They showed Bob Sheppard announcing Giambi. Did Matt Groening base Mr. Burns off this guy? His entire head is a liver spot! Brian Cashman always looks like someone just took a big dump on his dog, doesn't he? How has Pepto Bismal not contacted this guy about a promotion? Bernie Williams manages to drive in Moe from third on a sacrifice fly to tie the game 1-1. Tony Womack was apparently added to the Yankee lineup to give them that all-important element: speed. Does Steinbrenner even watch baseball? Womack sucks. On that new show Heist, they're going to have man-eating lions versus bankers. How Roman. I may have to watch.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Bernie gets congratulated by his teammates for getting the job done. Really? I thought those were veiled death threats.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Top of the 3rd
How the hell was Alex Sanchez the first player caught for steroid use? Maybe I missed something. I thought steroids were supposed to make you better. Quick inning, as a double play by Renteria erases Jesus, and Manny flies out. There's a commercial with both Mannings in it. Why did the cameraman not take the golden opportunity he had to kill them both?
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe Morgan doesn't understand the MLB steroid policy, yet rambles for two minutes about it.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 3rd
Wow. Jeter is 2-2. That's just peachy. Maybe that will erase the memories of last year's 0-200 slump he went into. Some hot girl is asking Cashman questions about the steroid policy. He's clueless. The guy's just trying to keep his job, Hot Lady. Leave him alone. Plus, Alex Sanchez is the only guy in history the Yankees haven't signed. Why would Cashman know about him? Jeter and A-Rod's batting stances are getting more and more similar. What's that thing they say about old couples? That they start to look like each other? Come on, Hot Lady! I need to hear more diarrhea spewing out of Joe Morgan's mouth. Sheffield drives in Jeter to make it 2-1 Yankees. He also has a little porn star mustache. Is Boss Steinbrenner softening? Rafael Palmeiro has the cure. Man, this steroid policy is rough. You can only get caught five times before Bud can kick you out of baseball, although he can decide not to. What is Alex Sanchez going to do for those ten days he's not getting paid? Wow. Is Jorge Posada really Ralph Macchio? Moe drives in Sheffield, and it's 3-1 Yankees. ESPN shows a reaction shot of the only two Asian people in Yankee Stadium. Apparently none of the white fans were cheering. "Gold Glover" Edgar Renteria muffs a grounder, and Joe Morgan talks about it for ten minutes. Giambi leans into a pitch to load the bases. I'm surprised his emaciated arm didn't shatter. That gets the Red Sox bullpen up. Not warming up. Aroused. Perverts. Wells balks in a run. What a freaking idiot. Yankee fans go crazy as Joe Morgan desperately tries to explain what the heck a balk is, and it looks like Moe on third might need the explanation. I'm now more confused, and the Yankees are up 4-1.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I thought putting a guy's name out there would deter other people from doing [steroids]." You also think you're a better second baseman than Ryne Sandberg, so go play with something sharp and rusty.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. What the hell is going on?
Top of the 4th
Samson must have had some hellacious acne when he was a kid. His jowls look like they were put through a wheat thresher. Shrek fouls a ball off his shin, likes the way it feels, and does it again. If I went to high school with Kevin Millar, I think I would have gone out of my way every day to punch him in the face. Also, "Cowboy Up" is the dumbest damn rally cry I've ever heard. Wow, those Yankee fans are so knowledgeable about baseball. So much so that they interfere with a ball in play down the left field line.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "When this ball was hit, just the sound of it told me it was out of the ballpark." Okay, Joe. What's this sound? That's right. It's me giving you the finger.
Bonus Drop-In: They don't put the "C" on the Yankee uniforms, but we all know that Jeter is the captain. Probably because you never shut up about it, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Bottom of the 4th
Tony Womack gets a hit in 2005, and I lose a bet. At least I get to look at his ridiculous mustache for a while longer. Joe Morgan forced me into a coma, so I missed most of the actual baseball action this inning, but it's still 4-1 Yankees.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: He actually asked Terry Francona if the ball that Millar hit looked like a home run from the field. No, Joe. Just from the booth.
Bonus Drop-In: When you use a slide step, "Your body gets in front of your arm." I bet that hurts. In a tribute to Mitch Hedberg, I bet when you reattach his arm, you'd call it "Wells altogether."
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2
Top of the 5th
Jeter fields a routine grounder without spiking himself. I'm sure all the Gold Glove voters took notice of that Web Gem. After Jeter won a Gold Glove last year, it officially became the most worthless award ever given. Mark Bellhorn doubles to left. Man, I miss that guy. I wish Dusty Baker knew OBP from a hole in the ground. But I digress. Samson just dialed it up to 95. I guess I was wrong. Jeter is apparently a world-beater for fielding a grounder that was traveling toward him at about 10 m.p.h. to get Renteria. I'm voting for him for President. By the way, I love the Verizon commercial where the guy with the job keeps getting calls from his buddies about dumb stuff. Like, "Guess how many cookies I have in my mouth." Great commercial. I'm surprised I haven't seen a Coach K commercial yet. I'm seeing those damn things in my sleep.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "I usually have to come into your [Torre's] locker room to talk to you." Is it for the interview, Joe, or for the sweaty man-love?
Bonus Drop-In: In cold weather, sometimes pitchers don't "finish" the pitch. I assume that means the ball travels 30 feet, 3 inches and then just hovers suspended in mid-air.
Another Bonus Drop-In: Posada should have been considered more for the MVP. Maybe you didn't see Vlad Guerrero's numbers last year, stupid.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 2. Has ESPN learned restraint? I haven't seen a Tilt commercial either!
Bottom of the 5th
That Hot Lady from before is back, interviewing Boy Wonder Theo Epstein. Her name is Sam Ryan. I hate Epstein, not just because of jealousy. He's also a pompous ass. Hey, there's Curt Schilling! Nice of him to drag himself away from his Dungeons and Dragons to come watch the game. Wells beaned Giambi again. I would have, too, after he leaned into that pitch earlier. Payback's a bitch. Sam Ryan asked the Boy Wonder about Sanchez. I think it might have been the first he'd heard of it. He looked surprised. What are the Yankees going to do without their precious "1918!" cheer? Perhaps root for their own team instead of against the other team, perhaps? Wells loads the bases again with one out, and he's out of the game. As he's walking off the field, I can't help but be reminded of a giant Glad bag blowing in the wind. If my kid is ever dumb enough to stand outside watching a tornado, I'm leaving her for dead. The dad in that commercial is a better man than I. Mike Myers, the masked serial killer from Halloween, comes into the game and promptly gets the speed burner Tony Womack to ground into a 6-4-3 double play. Too bad you can't steal first, Tony.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "How many people will it take to replace Pedro Martinez?" One, Joe. Just one.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 3. Now we're getting somewhere.
Top of the 6th
Manny struck out looking again. This time he didn't cry. Samson brought it at 94 again. So far, he's pitched one inning for each decade he's been alive. What the heck does he do to keep in shape? I think his hair has actually gotten longer since the first, so perhaps my theory still holds. I guess technically his hair has gotten longer since the first. Technically. I'm bored. How long will it take before Mel Stottlemeyer ruins Samson? He did it with Jeff Weaver and Javier Vasquez in less than a year each. I'd chuck a ball at the back of his head when he was walking back to the dugout if I were Samson.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: David Ortiz just displayed "good hitting" by grounding out weakly to shortstop.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Does an ad for Taxi count? If not, then still 3. If so, 4. If Jimmy Fallon thought anyone saw that movie for him instead of the bikini-clad women, he's a bigger idiot than even I thought.
Bottom of the 6th
Samson is out of the game. Wuss. If Dusty Baker were managing, he'd still have a good 150 pitches left in him. Jeter steals a base. Yawn. Jesus Damon somehow lost all control of his body on a line drive hit at him, allowing A-Rod to double in Jeter. Yankees are up 5-1. I read an article on ESPN.com today about how great the Red Sox bullpen is. Brilliant. Of course, they also voluntarily pay Joe Morgan for his brilliant "insight." I'm going to give A-Rod some credit for tagging up from 2nd on a ball hit to Manny in left. That was actually some hustle baseball. Of course, I know corpses that would test Manny Ramirez's arm. Grandpa Sierra doubles in A-Rod to make it 6-1 Yankees. Another tightly-pitched AL game. The Red Sox are the best pitching staff in baseball? Please. The Cubs' 3rd starter is Carlos Zambrano to the Red Sox's David Wells. Who would you rather have pitching Opening Day? There is an old man now banging on a pot in the stands. I'm unclear as to his motivation. Finally! A women's Final Four update! It was just up, and I still couldn't tell you the four teams in it. I'm guessing Tennessee is one, though. Giambi lines out just in time for Jon Miller to say the words "sound check" and "Fat Joe" in the same sentence.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Joe makes the mistake of trying to distinguish the left side of the plate from the right side during the Sierra at-bat. He fails miserably.
Bonus Drop-In: Only Giambi and Sheffield have been AL MVPs from the Yankee starting lineup, although Ruben Sierra should have. Oh, the poor Yankees only have two MVPs in their lineup. Nice zoot suit, Joe.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Top of the 7th
Tino Martinez is a human EA Sports add, as he's "in the game" now. Giambi just walked into the clubhouse to inject something. Tanyon Sturtz is on the bump. What were his parents thinking? "Let's come up with a name that rhymes with 'canyon.'" Tino Martinez made a diving play, and the place went freaking berzerk. Now Sam Ryan just said "Fat Joe." I've got a Fat Joe for you. I hope my fiance doesn't read this. Kidding, dear. It's not named Joe. Apparently, instead of the Seventh-Inning Stretch, they're going to interview local musicians like Fat Joe. Fat Joe got sick to his stomach when the Yankees lost the 3-0 lead last year. I'm getting sick to my stomach listening to his one-man assault on the English language. ESPN has officially killed the Seventh-Inning Stretch. If they do this segment when the Cubs are on ESPN, I'm going to cry.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Americans in general are the most forgiving people in the world." I'll never forgive you for not voting for Sandberg for the Hall of Fame, ass head.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Bottom of the 7th
Mike Timlin is in the game. We get it, Mike. You have dip in your mouth. Do you think perhaps you could tone it down a bit? More reaction shots of Terry Francona. He looks like he should be coaching my minor league team. How the hell do they mow the fields to look like stuff? That's rad. Jon Miller is making the grievous error of stroking Joe Morgan's ego by asking him how he was such a good base stealer. On a scale of 1-10, how badly do you want to stab the Angels for demanding to be called "The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim"? I'm going to start calling myself, "The Riverside Mike Bradt of South Bend." Why is Jeter squinting? It's fricking 10:45 p.m. Does he think it makes him look better? Or maybe it makes all of us look better. Boob. A-Rod has his "tough guy face" on. You know? The one you used in baseball pictures in high school? Uneventful inning. Still 6-1 Yankees. Have you ever noticed that AL parks seem to have a hard time keeping garbage off the field? I never see garbage on the field at Wrigley unless the fans purposely put it there. At Yankee Stadium and U.S. Sell-Your-Soul Field, garbage blows around like tumbleweed. In an unrelated note, is there anything Ice Cube can't do? Now he's XXX. The extra "X" is for "X-citing."
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: Dave Roberts' steal changed the dynamic of the entire 2004 ALCS. Must have been even more important than Bill Mueller driving him in to tie the game, huh, Joe?
Bonus Drop-In: "You can see his left leg cross over. It just crosses over. You see it cross over there." Where did it go again, Joseph?
Another Bonus Drop-In: In response to Jon Miller saying that once the Yankees stopped hitting, they stopped scoring, Joe dropped in the ever-brilliant comment, "Correct."
Oh God, Joe, Stop: Just because you get thrown out trying to steal a base doesn't mean it costs you a run. Not even if the guy behind you hits a home run?
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Top of the 8th
Apparently, A-Rod throwing out Renteria at first with no one on base in the 8th inning of a 6-1 blowout is a praiseworthy play. I'm surprised Jon and Joe can talk with their lips pressed up against A-Rods' ass that hard. It's raining now in Yankee Stadium, which is probably scaring the hell out of Cashman. Tanyon Sturtze has been lights-out in relief so far. It sort of pisses me off that I actually know that dude's name. There's no reason for it. Thanks a lot, ESPN East Coast bias. That freaky Nike "mask" commercial that must have been thought up by the guy who wrote Saw was on again. I think Mariano Rivera's mask is the same thing that guy from Se7en had to strap on to kill that hooker.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: A-Rod's cheap-ass slap of the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove last year was apparently a great play, because I'm sure his teammates wanted him to do something. "I don't know why he was taken to task for it." Perhaps because it was a cheap-ass play that could have broken his wrist? I don't know.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 4
Bottom of the 8th
Dear God isn't this game over yet? Brilliant ad from ESPN on the wall behind the catcher. "Baseball Tonight: All Season Long on ESPN." Can you be a little less specific? I sure don't want to miss any of John Kruk's idiotic comments this year. I just checked to see what was more important than Opening Night to relegate it to ESPN2. Apparently, the women's Final Four is on ESPN. Wow. To quote Bill Murray from Groundhog Day, "What a waste of time." Moe just hit a 2-run bomb, the first of the 2005 season, making it 8-1 Yankees. When that guy smiles, he looks like Yoda. Good Lord, man. Botox. The Yankee fans that are left go nuts for Tino Martinez. Too bad they don't realize what an asshole he was in the St. Louis and Tampa Bay clubhouses. Spoiled brat. "Welcome home, Tino," indeed. Man, Paul O'Neil is still intense. He's broadcasting for the YES network, and he looks like he's about to kill someone. I'm glad to see he hasn't given up on the curly hair. I was sort of mad that the Cubs didn't make a run at Matt Mantei, who's pitching now, considering how cheaply the Red Sox got him. After this miserable performance, I don't think I could handle that kind of stress. John Halama comes in to face Tony Womack. I wonder if Womack would be a better hitter if he'd actually fricking stay in the batter's box instead of running to first while he's swinging. Loser. Jeter stands in as a yellow plastic bag blows by. I think it's actually a BALCO bag. Jeter knocks the crap out of one that barely gets under Halama's glove, scoring Tino and making it 9-1 Yankees. This is A-Rod's sixth at-bat. Good God the AL sucks. He grounds out to Mueller, and the 8th mercifully comes to an end.
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: After Moe's 2-run homer: "Those gloves work." Perhaps it was the 3-1 fastball on the inner half of the plate instead of his batting gloves, Joe. Just a thought.
Fever Pitch Advertising Count: 5
Top of the 9th
Joe Morgan is trying to convince Jon Miller that he knows how to read. I'm not buying it, and neither should Jon. Flash Gordon is in, doing his best to get the Red Sox back in the game and prolong the agony of listening to Joe Morgan. First and third, no one out. My kingdom for a double play. At least Joe is no longer talking about "high cheese" and "low cheese." Baby steps to learning how to broadcast. Sac fly makes it a more cosmetic 9-2 Yankees. Please ground in to a double play, Mueller. Please? Close enough. Pop-out. Gordon whiffs Bellhorn to end the game. Thank God. Yankees win 9-2. ESPN is airing "Boston's Offseason of Bliss" now. I plan on turning off the TV. I'm sure I'll be doing this same thing for the Cubs tomorrow if I can contain my excitement. I hope you enjoyed it!
Dynamite Joe Morgan Drop-In of the Inning: "Actually, you know what? I did know that [Tom Gordon was the Red Sox's last Opening Day starter before Pedro Martinez]." Really? Then why did you say Roger Clemens? Huh, Joe? Why?
Final Fever Pitch Advertising Count: Only 5, although that's a good two and a half minutes of Jimmy Fallon that I did not need in my life.
posted by Bad Kermit at 12:08 PM
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